DEAR HARRIETTE: Do you think that I should’ve gone to a university out of state?
I am going into my junior year at a state school in the Midwest, which is where I’ve lived all my life. I got really good financial aid, and it’s conveniently close to my home, which also reduces travel costs, but I feel like going to school in a state where there is more diversity would benefit my mental health and social well-being.
There are a lot of microaggressions and macroaggressions I have to deal with on campus as a Black woman. For example, whenever there is group work, my ideas usually don’t get taken seriously until a white student rephrases it and claims it as their own.
Do you think sticking it out for four years is worth it, or should I have gone to a different school with more diversity where I would’ve probably had to take out loans to attend?
— Second Thoughts
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Sadly, microaggressions and macroaggressions do not end after college or whenever you leave the Midwest. In our culture, they are a part of life.
It is important to learn to face them and stand up for yourself and make choices that give you the space to blossom into your full self. I don’t think that means you should take on more debt as you complete this leg of your education.
Find out if you can do a semester swap at a different college or even study abroad to get exposure to other points of view. Look for organizations and clubs within your school where you can shine. Consider joining the Black student union or student government to develop your voice.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I fear that I’m losing my friends who have completely different goals than me.
A few of my friends have already gotten married and are well on their way to becoming stay-at-home wives and mothers. I have always envisioned myself traveling the world and focusing on my career instead of settling down and having kids with someone.
I find it difficult to connect with these friends now because our priorities and interests are different. Whenever they bring up the topic of children or their significant others, I feel left out of the conversation, and it hurts.
Could we be growing apart?
— Growing Apart
DEAR GROWING APART: Part of building your life and making choices includes growing into your interests and sometimes growing away from those of your friends. Sometimes your relationships can survive the differences, and sometimes not.
Just because you are choosing not to have a family — at least right now — does not mean you have to separate from close friends. You could become godmother or auntie to your friends’ children, swooping in and out as your schedule allows.
I recently spoke to a friend who has remained close to her friend group from college. She just went to six graduation events for her friends’ children. She is the only one who is unmarried, an entrepreneur and a globetrotter. She figured out how to have her independent life and stay close to the families that her friends built.
You can do the same. Determine who you want to keep in your life, and craft a way to do so as you also make space for whoever is to come next.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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