DEAR HARRIETTE: I just lately began courting a man who’s very nice however old-school.
He informed me that the place he comes from (West Africa), males don’t prepare dinner, and the expectation is that males work, deliver house the cash, give their wives intercourse and the ladies do all the things else.
I’m American, and I grew up believing that husbands and wives share in the entire duties of the house and life.
This got here up as a result of I used to be telling him that I assumed he ought to discover ways to prepare dinner and, furthermore, that cooking along with your associate could be enjoyable. He instantly shot that down, saying that in his tradition, that’s exceptional.
I like this man, however I’m frightened that he’s so rooted in his traditions that he has no house for mine. He even mentioned if we find yourself collectively, he assumes that I’ll do what’s conventional in his tradition.
Do I stroll away now, or try to barter with him about how we’d stay collectively if issues work out?
— Traditions Conflict
DEAR TRADITIONS CLASH: This man has informed you who he’s and what he values. You’ve got informed him the identical. Now it’s time for frank conversations about whether or not you two suppose there’s a probability.
Ask him immediately about his willingness to be extra open to a few of your cultural beliefs. Discuss brazenly about values and traditions. Discover out all the things you may about his expectations of a spouse, and resolve for those who can stay with that.
You could understand that if he’s anchored in his tradition together with his household, there will not be house for yours.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter dropped out throughout her freshman 12 months of faculty. She struggled academically her first semester, and he or she has determined not to return.
I’m terrified for her future as a result of I’ve at all times believed that to be able to have a steady and profitable profession, a university diploma is crucial. I do know that not everybody takes a conventional path, however with none type of plan or route, I fear she’s setting herself up for failure or hardship.
She’s fully unmotivated. She spends most of her time at house, scrolling on her telephone or hanging out with associates. When I attempt to speak to her about what she desires to do subsequent, she shuts me out or says she doesn’t know.
I’ve inspired her to look into group faculty, even simply to get her common training credit carried out whereas she figures out what she desires to do, however she appears uninterested.
I really feel like I’m strolling a advantageous line between supporting her and pushing her too laborious, however I can’t sit by and do nothing. How can I assist her discover some route and get again on her toes with out making her really feel like I’m being overbearing?
— What’s Subsequent?
DEAR WHAT’S NEXT: Your daughter has to determine her life for herself.
You possibly can assist her see her choices, together with the fact verify of how a lot it prices to be impartial and what most jobs pay.
Give her a timeline for getting a job and contributing to family bills. This must be a wake-up name in order that she doesn’t proceed hiding out.
Encourage her to analysis work and profession choices and her incomes potential. It is going to take time, however she must do the work herself.
It’s important to be affected person now — and be clear about what you’ll and won’t do for her when it comes to paying her means.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founding father of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to assist folks entry and activate their desires. You possibly can ship inquiries to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.
