DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and 4 of our seven youngsters have allergy symptoms to varied meals, together with pork, mushrooms and onions.
Most of our family and friends know this, and can exit of their strategy to keep away from this stuff. If they’re having pork, for instance, they may make one thing additional for the 2 youngsters who can’t eat it. We additionally attempt to feed our children earlier than going to potlucks or different occasions the place the meals might have substances we aren’t conscious of.
A few yr in the past, my husband and one little one have been in an accident. Our church organized a meals practice, the place folks have been bringing over scorching dishes or having pizza and takeout delivered. (We did the identical for different households just a few occasions.)
They did let folks find out about our household’s allergy symptoms, however some would nonetheless deliver dishes over that contained these meals. One lady would say, “I know you said no (ingredient), but once you taste this, you can take an antihistamine and it will be OK.”
I’m somebody who hates to offend anybody. I didn’t know learn how to politely say, “It doesn’t work like that,” and didn’t need them to really feel dangerous, so I simply mentioned “thanks.” A few dishes I used to be capable of give to a relative, however some dishes ended up being tossed.
Not way back, I had surgical procedure and was within the hospital for 46 days. The church got here by means of once more.
Sooner or later, when it was simply my son and my husband at house, the identical girl came to visit with the identical dish. My husband requested her if there was pork, mushroom, onions or cilantro in it. She mentioned that it was the identical dish she’d introduced over final time, and informed him to take an antihistamine.
After she left, my husband threw the meals out. Later, when he gave her the empty plate again, he informed her it could have put him and our child within the hospital if they’d eaten it.
She left crying, I assume.
After I received house and was informed about it, I felt dangerous about how he had dealt with it. He mentioned I ought to have refused the meals the primary time, even when it offended her.
Is there a gentler strategy to refuse such issues?
GENTLE READER: Everybody desires to be handled with respect and to be given the advantage of the doubt. And everybody desires the opposite particular person to be rational.
It will all work if we might simply get everybody to reciprocate.
Your husband desires the onion-and-pork girl to know that the household allergy symptoms should not mere preferences, and he most likely sees the antihistamine remark as a disrespectful topping. He thinks it’s irrational to bestow — or to count on gratitude for — a present that has no worth to the recipient.
What you could remind him of is that she seems to imply properly, even when she is performing in ignorance. One can try to teach her with out berating her — acknowledging her good intentions and saying that she might hardly be anticipated to know how the allergy symptoms work, however that it could be harmful to simply accept her sort present.
Miss Manners would additionally have you ever attraction to your husband’s rational facet: If he sends each would-be benefactor away in tears, he’s going to be hungry.
Please ship your inquiries to Miss Manners at her web site, www.missmanners.com; to her e mail, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by means of postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.
