DEAR HARRIETTE: For a number of months, I’ve been relationship a man who could be very form and largely attentive.
Once we first met, he mentioned that his life was nice apart from the truth that he didn’t have any cash. It seems that was a literal assertion.
He hasn’t had a job in additional than a yr, although by some means he is ready to maintain an residence and care for himself. He doesn’t have cash to take me on dates or to do something. His cellphone has been minimize off a minimum of 3 times this yr.
As I’ve listened to him discuss his life, I hear him saying that he doesn’t worth cash. He has damaged up with ladies as a result of they valued it an excessive amount of — however he’s dwelling on the reverse excessive.
I’m rising annoyed by his actuality, however I actually like him. Am I fooling myself? This can be a grown man, and whereas he says he’s searching for work, I don’t see the fruits of that effort. Why am I holding on?
— No Hope
DEAR NO HOPE: It appears like this man’s life is sophisticated and annoying proper now. He may have a good friend greater than something.
Since you do genuinely like him, when you imagine you could be a good friend to him with out risking romantic entanglement at a time when he isn’t up for that degree of engagement, proceed to speak to him.
See what kind of particular person he’s, how he handles his enterprise and the way accountable he’s. These are actual considerations. Proper now, he’s dwelling in disaster mode, even when he doesn’t present it outwardly.
Having a long-term relationship with him would require him to get on the opposite facet of this essential second in an effort to see how he lives.
I wish to be clear right here: I’m not saying that you simply can not have a relationship with somebody who has misplaced his job or is experiencing laborious instances. I’m saying that to construct a life with somebody efficiently often requires attending to know them, spending time with them and discovering how your lives intersect and complement one another. That is laborious to do when somebody is within the depths of disaster.
You want time to find out if this relationship is value saving. Enable that point when you suppose he’s value it.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel my daughter is likely to be affected by a damaged coronary heart.
I’m speculating, however a number of weeks in the past, she and her boyfriend broke up; he’s a rising star on his highschool soccer staff, and you know the way that goes.
Anyway, she’s been impolite and moody, and he or she truly ended up pushing her mother throughout a heated argument. Sadly, I wasn’t there for this as we co-parent, however when her mother advised me this, I used to be shocked.
She’s by no means behaved like this earlier than, and I feel it might be as a result of she’s hurting.
What ought to I say to her about this? What if I’m incorrect and it’s not concerning the breakup? What then?
— Robust Teen
DEAR TOUGH TEEN: Spending time along with your daughter needs to be your purpose. Do your greatest to be in contact together with her via texts and calls, and carve out time for the 2 of you to be in one another’s firm.
Get her to speak to you when you can. Don’t ask too many questions, as that may doubtless make her shut down. By being near her, you might be able to get her to calm down a bit.
Between spending time together with her and speaking to her mother, do your greatest to place collectively the items to see what her psychological state is. You might also strive telling her tales of your life at her age, particularly when you had a breakup. Ask her when you can assist her in any manner, and hearken to how she responds.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founding father of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to assist individuals entry and activate their goals. You’ll be able to ship inquiries to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.
