DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor, with whom I’ve pleasant chats, despatched a bunch textual content to a number of girls, together with me, inviting us all to fulfill for dinner at a restaurant, adopted by a yoga class.
I responded that I’d love to come back to dinner. Once I confirmed up on the restaurant, she checked out me and mentioned, “What are you doing here?”
I used to be shocked and didn’t know methods to reply and blurted out that she had invited me.
I nonetheless really feel awkward and don’t know the way I ought to have responded in that second. Now I simply really feel uncomfortable round her. What ought to I’ve completed?
GENTLE READER: Your neighbor’s assertion is simply too hurtful to be excused, so you’ll should reinvent it out of existence.
Miss Manners is just not suggesting you fake your listening to help malfunctioned — which may truly elicit a repetition. As an alternative, deal with it as a joke.
Earlier than you object that that is disingenuous, think about how grateful everybody current might be to be given this swish manner out — together with your neighbor, although her gratitude could require time. If that course of goes to be measured in models bigger than minutes or hours, you then would possibly want to area out your future interactions along with her accordingly.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a lifelong nonsmoker and naturally don’t allow anybody to gentle up in my dwelling or in my automotive. No exceptions. However after I’m a passenger in a automobile pushed by a buddy who smokes, they’ll inevitably gentle up with out asking if it’s OK.
They’ll crack their window and blow the smoke out by means of the crack. Even so, the wisp of smoke from the still-burning cigarette shortly begins to fill all the automobile. It causes me to cough and rub my burning eyes.
The buddy will normally discover, generally providing a “sorry” and can maybe extinguish their cigarette a minute sooner.
What’s my best choice, aside from not getting within the automotive in any respect with a driver who smokes? Wouldn’t it be impolite for me to politely ask them to chorus from smoking till we attain our vacation spot?
Sure, it’s their automobile, their guidelines. However the well being of my lungs also needs to matter.
GENTLE READER: In a extra common kind, yours is among the principal etiquette questions of our day. However that query is commonly, to Miss Manners’ considering, misstated.
Anybody with a critical medical situation understandably asks, “Whose need is greater?” And, in excessive conditions, fundamental decency calls for aiding these in want.
For extra on a regular basis conditions, the correct query is, “How much can a guest reasonably impose upon a host?” The reply will rely upon the closeness of the friendship and the extent, and frequency, of the imposition.
Used correctly, with a buddy (not a mere acquaintance), there’s an alternative choice to all the time declining a journey: You possibly can decline with the reason that even slightly smoke bothers you and you don’t want to impose. The motive force can then resolve whether or not to difficulty a second invitation, realizing that doing so is agreeing to extra stringent situations.
Please ship your inquiries to Miss Manners at her web site, www.missmanners.com; to her e mail, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by means of postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.
