DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had been collectively for 11 years, married for six of them. I had an alcohol dependancy for the previous few years, which led to my being untrue.
He by no means drank, so he had a tough time understanding my dependancy downside. After I obtained a DUI, he lastly left me. Two weeks later, he was already in one other relationship! We divorced a 12 months later.
I’ve spent the final 14 months altering my life. I’ve been sober this entire time, attended AA conferences and seen a psychotherapist in addition to an dependancy therapist.
I’ve been devastated since my husband left. I’ve misplaced 20 kilos that I didn’t have to lose, and I depart my home solely to work. I haven’t even entertained the concept of seeing or speaking to a different man.
My ex has been telling me on and off that he desires to try to work issues out with me, which is one thing I need greater than something.
I do know I harm him, and he’s now not the identical individual. I wish to present him I’m totally different and we may be comfortable, however he received’t totally decide to something and simply retains hurting me.
Ought to I proceed to pursue this or attempt to discover a option to transfer on?
— NOW SOBER IN VIRGINIA
DEAR NOW SOBER: In case your sobriety is essential to you, you can’t cling to an individual who “keeps hurting you.” (I want you had talked about how he does this, however ultimately, you will need to do what is nice for you.) Did the best way he handled you — or your notion of it — have one thing to do along with your consuming and infidelity?
You acknowledged that he says he desires to work issues out. His skittishness could stem from the harm he skilled due to what you place him by.
Should you determine to rekindle your relationship, accomplish that solely underneath sure situations: He should finish the connection with the individual he’s concerned with if they’re nonetheless collectively, attend Al-Anon conferences so he can be taught extra in regards to the illness of alcoholism and attend relationship counseling periods with you.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 64-year-old homosexual man, initially from the Deep South, residing in a big metropolitan space. I’ve been right here for greater than 30 years.
My downside is, I’m unable to maintain my cool when speaking with my getting older mother and father.
I’ve insisted a number of occasions that I don’t want to talk about politics, however my request is ignored by Mother particularly as a result of she refuses to acknowledge my sexual orientation. She sings the praises of probably the most anti-gay politicians with no regard for my emotions. When I attempt to gently change the topic, most occasions, she received’t let it go.
I’ve reached the purpose that I now not want to communicate to both of my mother and father. The hurtful issues they’ve mentioned break my coronary heart.
Ought to I comply with my intestine and lower them off, or proceed to stay silent and endure the harm? I do know they received’t change.
— WOUNDED HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR WOUNDED HEART: Silence helps nobody. As you’ve gotten found, it leads solely to extra of the identical.
Inform them the hurtful issues they’ve mentioned are heartbreaking. You’ve gotten already made clear to your mom that you don’t want to talk about politics. This time, inform them that in the event that they elevate the topic once more, will probably be the top of the dialog and you’ll cling up.
In the event that they ignore you and do it once more, comply with by.
Pricey Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also called Jeanne Phillips, and was based by her mom, Pauline Phillips. Contact Pricey Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Field 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
