DEAR ABBY: Each my mother and father handed away pretty just lately — three years in the past for my dad and nearly two for my mother.
They’re buried within the city the place I dwell. My husband and I gained’t be buried close to them; we plan to be cremated and have our ashes scattered.
I place synthetic flowers on their graves, however I hardly ever go by there, and my youngsters and grandchildren don’t go to them. They’ve their recollections of time spent with my mother and father, as do I. All my different family members of my mother and father’ era are gone.
I place the flowers as a result of I need folks to know I respect my mother and father, however I typically overlook to vary them seasonally, which appears worse than not adorning in any respect.
I want to cease, and I must persuade myself it’s OK. Is grave adorning a generational factor, and is the pattern not to take action these days?
— GRAVE QUESTIONS IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR GRAVE QUESTIONS: Enable me to specific my sympathy for the lack of your mother and father.
Grave adorning is a private selection. Some people and households do it on the birthday of their deceased cherished one; others do it on the anniversary of the demise.
The time to indicate affection and respect to our family members is whereas they’re residing. Should you did that, you don’t have anything to apologize for in deciding to scale it again or stop fully.
[Abby answered another question about grave decorations just last week.]
DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I are retired seniors. We dwell in a lovely two-story home we constructed 14 years in the past.
On the time, we thought it could be our last house, however for my part, it not meets our wants. I need to transfer and downsize. The issue is that my spouse doesn’t.
All through our 50 years of marriage, we’ve lived in 4 homes, and every time I wished to maneuver, she didn’t. She turns into emotionally connected to a home.
I’ve defined to her that we want a one-story home or condominium nearer to our children, who dwell throughout city. Simply mentioning the topic will get her very upset.
I consider I’ll die earlier than she does. It could give me peace understanding that after my funeral, she would return house and never be confronted with a whole lot of issues. Once I die, our youngsters are going to need her to maneuver nearer anyway. She is going to then should coordinate and deal with the transfer on her personal — a large job even with the assistance of our two sons.
I might simply take the place that I’ll be gone so what do I care, however I do care. I’ve seemed out for her our total marriage, and I want to end the job. Recommendation?
— HERO HUSBAND IN OHIO
DEAR HERO HUSBAND: I do have some. You signed your letter “Hero Husband,” however hasn’t it occurred to you that in your zeal to handle and shield your spouse, you will have infantilized her? Her emotions on this topic ought to be revered.
Many widows (if she turns into one, might or not it’s many, a few years from now) discover power and resourcefulness they didn’t know they’d after the demise of their husbands. What occurs to this home ought to be a household determination, not yours alone.
Expensive Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also called Jeanne Phillips, and was based by her mom, Pauline Phillips. Contact Expensive Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Field 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
