DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is dying. I’ve fixated on a silly problem, in all probability as a result of I don’t need to think about life with out him: What does a widow put on?
The thought of sporting denims and T-shirts as if every thing is regular feels weird.
Is there a approach to sign mourning? A black armband?
Silly fear, I do know, however it’s already arduous to work together with cheery strangers. How can I sign my unhappiness?
GENTLE READER: The Victorians did us a disservice by overdoing the present of bereavement to the purpose the place individuals bought bored with dwelling in mandated symbolic gloom — lengthy intervals of sporting black and forgoing social occasions, even for kin they didn’t miss — and overthrew the entire system.
As typical, this led to the other excessive: the expectation of a fast return to regular life. Those that prod the bereaved to “achieve closure” little understand the ache they’re inflicting.
So sure, some small signal can be good to warn off those that count on you to be jolly. Carrying all black is an choice, though that is still an indication of mourning primarily at funerals of nationwide significance. Black being thought of stylish, it may also be discovered at weddings.
So you might put on a black armband, though it could appeal to extra consideration than you need. As one other risk, Miss Manners suggests a small black ribbon on the lapel or neckline.
You want clarify these solely by saying, “I’m in mourning,” which can be repeated with extra emphasis if this elicits greater than an expression of sympathy.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you contemplate it impolite to carry an extra dish to a dinner if it wasn’t requested?
That is for an Easter dinner, so it’s a meal through which the dishes are supposed to be particular. Once I requested what I might contribute, I used to be requested to carry a aspect. I’m very happy to do that, however I’m additionally impressed to make a yummy dessert!
I actually take pleasure in baking, and I do know that the dessert the host is making is way more about presentation than taste (assume an Easter-item-shaped dessert utilizing prepackaged components).
It’s effective, it’s cute, and I don’t need to take away from it. My child will adore it. Nevertheless it received’t be significantly gratifying for the adults to eat.
Would it not be OK to indicate up with an additional selfmade dessert and simply say I had the time and wished an excuse to make one thing particular? It by no means hurts to have an additional for a vacation meal, proper?
GENTLE READER: No. Since you are proper to suspect that the benevolence of giving doesn’t shield you from different transgressions. And usurping the menu plan can be one.
Miss Manners might need advised you ask the host whether or not one other dessert can be welcome — in the event you hadn’t given your self away. However you made it clear that you simply need to present up your host by offering the grownup company with one thing you deem superior.
That’s not beneficiant.
Please respect your host’s makes an attempt to please company, regardless of how a lot better you assume you’ll have finished.
Please ship your inquiries to Miss Manners at her web site, www.missmanners.com; to her electronic mail, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or via postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.
