DEAR HARRIETTE: A good friend of mine is in a relationship, and in my view, her accomplice is just not good to her.
From what she tells me and what I observe, he appears egocentric, abrasive, low cost and never affectionate or protecting of her.
At a social occasion, he requested me jokingly why it seems like I don’t like him. I gave him a severe reply — a diluted model of my ideas on how he treats my good friend.
I didn’t disrespect him or elevate my voice, and though he initiated this dialog, my good friend is upset with me for sharing my opinion with him.
Was I unsuitable?
— Crossing the Line
DEAR CROSSING THE LINE: That is difficult, as buddies do count on a covenant to exist between them the place they don’t reveal their innermost ideas about companions. It’s usually understood that you just preserve these opinions to your self.
The large caveat is that generally it’s best for a good friend to face up — to truly be a good friend — and inform the reality when it must be heard. This will generally result in the tip of a friendship if the revelation seems like a betrayal. It may possibly additionally result in sincere and considerate reflection on what is definitely happening in a relationship.
You’ll be able to apologize to your good friend if she feels you betrayed the unstated social contract, however add that you’re genuinely involved for her and fear that her boyfriend is just not treating her nicely.
Since he requested, you felt compelled to inform him. Ultimately, you wish to make certain she is aware of how involved you might be and why.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I lately met up with some previous buddies at a birthday gathering. These are buddies I grew up with, and whereas we keep in contact, I haven’t seen them in six or seven years.
This gathering was on a weekday, and there have been gentle refreshments and wine accessible.
After three hours collectively, one in every of my buddies was extraordinarily drunk. I observed that on the bar, as a substitute of having fun with the wine accessible, he had been ordering exhausting liquor and buying rounds for others as nicely. I saved listening to others say issues like “that’s just how he is,” “bartenders love him,” “hard liquor is more his speed,” and so forth.
I really feel involved, however everybody else in his life appears passive about it. Am I too far eliminated to specific concern?
— Ought to I Intervene?
DEAR SHOULD I INTERVENE?: Take into account your self a blessing put on this man’s life right now. Maybe you might be there to shine a lightweight for him on what he’s doing.
Invite him to get along with you in individual so you possibly can communicate face-to-face, however keep away from assembly at a bar. Inform him how good it was to see him after so a few years. Ask him about his life so you will get a way of what’s happening with him. Then ask him for permission to share some suggestions with him.
If he says sure, inform him that you just noticed heavy consuming on his half and overheard folks agreeing that he drinks rather a lot. Inform him you might be involved about him and felt it was essential to inform him you might be nervous about what appears to be extreme consuming. He might get offended or dismiss your issues, however at the least you’ll have planted the seed.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founding father of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to assist folks entry and activate their goals. You’ll be able to ship inquiries to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.
