DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is clever, educated, well-spoken and has a accountable job. He’s additionally overtly racist, misogynistic and homophobic — all for spiritual causes, after all.
To his credit score, he by no means brings these topics up, but when they do come up, he’s in no way bashful about articulating his bigoted views.
His response to criticism is that he’s simply as entitled to his opinions as liberals are to theirs, and he’s simply as entitled to specific his opinions as liberals are to specific theirs. He says that tolerance contains tolerance for all viewpoints, together with his.
That doesn’t sound fairly proper to me, however I can’t precisely put my finger on what’s unsuitable with it.
He’s in any other case an enthralling and gratifying particular person to be round. At this level, the remainder of the household simply offers with it by avoiding these topics.
What do you suppose we must always do?
GENTLE READER: Maintain avoiding these topics.
In fact it’s tempting to poke the bear, though you understand how the bear will react. Your brother is presumably a grown-up, entrenched in his prejudices, and arguing is much less prone to reform him than to spoil household gatherings.
Miss Manners can, nevertheless, give you some consolation.
First, you’re already making your level successfully by refusing to have interaction with him when he speaks like that.
And second, you’re proper that hate speech doesn’t deserve the identical tolerance because the extensive divergence of well-meant opinions.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I’ve the pleasure of internet hosting an annual vacation dinner for our household, and we consider that nearly everybody finds the occasion gratifying.
Just a few years in the past, we started inviting a bunch of my family members. That they had beforehand celebrated with others, however deaths sadly ended these traditions.
Throughout our gathering, these family members sit down collectively earlier than dinner and don’t transfer about or mingle till it’s time to go. They solely work together with others as a bunch, and solely converse with the people reverse them throughout dinner.
We’ve begun to suppose we’ve did not make the occasion sufficiently welcoming.
My husband believes that this 12 months, we must always promote mingling through the use of place playing cards on the dinner desk to “break up the cabal” (as he places it), however I ponder if that may incite normal revolt and make the occasion much more alienating. What ought to we do?
GENTLE READER: Begin even earlier to interrupt up the cabal.
One in every of a bunch’s jobs is to make sure that individuals combine. Miss Manners acknowledges that grown-ups who know each other ought to try this with out prompting, however apparently not on this case.
So take Aunt Jennie’s arm by light drive and steer her over to Cousin Jason, saying, “You are both avid gardeners, and both Blue Sox fans, right?”
Leaving them collectively, you scoot over to Grandniece Lilia, saying, “Would you explain friendship bracelets to Uncle Horace? His granddaughter has dozens, but he doesn’t understand what it’s about.”
By dinnertime, they are going to be too engrossed to protest being artfully scattered across the desk.
Please ship your inquiries to Miss Manners at her web site, www.missmanners.com; to her e mail, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by way of postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.
