DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a college professor and a girl in her early 30s. I used to be attending a chat and arrived late. The one place to take a seat was a small sofa, sufficiently big to seat two (or maybe three, however it could be a good match).
A male graduate pupil arrived a couple of minutes later. He sat down and stretched out on the sofa, placing an arm on the again behind me.
This felt extremely inappropriate and overly acquainted — we don’t know one another in any respect, though he is aware of I’m a professor as a result of I used to be a part of an introduction session at his graduate orientation.
I fearful that it undermined my authority with my colleagues and college students. I gave him a glance to make it clear I wasn’t comfy with it, and he eliminated his arm briefly earlier than placing it again up. I ended up whispering sharply to him, “Do you mind?”
He eliminated his arm then, however I used to be left enthusiastic about it and questioning if I might have made the purpose extra politely. What would you suggest? Or was I making too huge of a deal of this?
GENTLE READER: Since your extra refined indications had been ignored, a sharper second try, Miss Manners believes, was warranted.
This pupil’s manspread/arm-across-the-chair combo was cheeky and presumptuous. Since he did it twice, it’s arduous to consider that it was unintentional. However even when it had been, as a pupil, he would do properly to study that optics are necessary, irrespective of the intent.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran right into a co-worker whom I had not seen in 25 years.
The character of our jobs didn’t require a lot interplay, and I thought of her an acquaintance fairly than a private good friend.
We acknowledged one another by identify, then she instantly commented, “You look different.”
I managed a weak joke about my grey hair; nevertheless, I felt the remark was impolite and insulting. Sadly, I used to be caught in an elevator with this particular person and needed to proceed the awkward dialog till we reached our vacation spot.
I consider that one ought to chorus from making a remark about somebody’s look, particularly somebody they hardly know. You have no idea their circumstances and danger treading on a person’s privateness.
Do you assume her comment was impolite? How would you counsel replying to a sensible stranger saying that you just look completely different than you probably did 25 years in the past?
GENTLE READER: “Well, yes, it’s been 25 years. I’m sure we both do.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve all the time thought of the phrase “You can come if you want to” — as in, “I’m having a party and you can come if you want to,” or, “We’re getting together for lunch and you can come if you want to” — to be an insult.
In these instances, it seems like I’m simply an afterthought and probably not needed. If the particular person needed me to be there, they need to say “Please come” or “Please join us.” What are your ideas?
GENTLE READER: You can decline if you wish to.
Please ship your inquiries to Miss Manners at her web site, www.missmanners.com; to her e-mail, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by means of postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.
