Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for more than 40 years. He has always had strong likes and dislikes.
A few years ago, we relocated to be closer to our son and his family.
Until recently I didn’t realize how much my husband dislikes our son’s mother-in-law, “June” (she lives nearby, also).
This past year my husband has refused to attend holiday functions if she is there. Of course, this puts a strain on me. Nobody – including June – knows how he feels (only me).
He usually makes up an excuse, and I go by myself.
I can’t let my son know because it would not only hurt him but also hurt and offend our daughter-in-law, whom we love.
I have become extremely unhappy and bitter with my husband regarding his feelings.
Do I need to choose between him and family?
Sad in Florida
Dear Sad: You do not need to choose between your husband and your family. I give you full permission to live your life and enjoy your relationships, however you have them and however you want to.
If your husband wants to opt out of family gatherings and sulk at home (or pursue his own social agenda), then he can make his own inquiries about who will be present, and supply his own lies, reasons, or excuses for staying away.
Basically, I’m suggesting that you simply let this be, and resist the temptation to manage your husband’s relationships for him.
If your son wonders why his father is choosing not to attend some family events, you should respond: “I don’t speak for your father. He’s his own man, so you’ll have to ask him what his thinking is.”
Dear Amy: I’ve struggled with the thoughtful way to RSVP to certain events in the past and now that I’m once again facing this issue, I wonder if you could please offer me your considered opinion.
I’m part of a large extended family (siblings, cousins, etc.) who are all truly successful and incredibly wealthy. I am proud of all their successes; however, I am in a far different situation.
I am a retired adult who is solely responsible for the full-time care of my disabled adult child, and I live on a quite limited budget. When I’ve been invited to some large celebratory events that require long flights, expensive travel plans, and managing difficult time zone shifts with my child, I’ve simply RSVP’d that we were sorry that we couldn’t attend. (We do attend events within our state.)
We’ve now been invited to an extravagant, multi-day celebration overseas. Although it sounds amazing, this trip would be extremely costly and arduous.
I worry that if I simply decline, family members will think that I just don’t care.
Should I keep my RSVP simple and just gracefully decline, or is it ever appropriate to say that although we would love to join the celebration, the travel and cost is just beyond our means at this time?
Concerned, but Struggling
Dear Concerned: Your wealthy family members may anticipate that you won’t be able to attend their events, and yet when they invite you, they are being inclusive. The gracious way to respond is to thank them for the invitation and express happiness for them and enthusiasm for their event, which unfortunately you will have to miss.
For an elaborate international celebration, you might add, “Unfortunately, a trip of this sort is just too complicated for me to manage, but I’ll be thinking of you all. I hope you have a wonderful time, and look forward to hearing about it when you return.”
Dear Amy: “Devoted Aunt” wrote about a niece for whom she has provided financial support.
She is now confronted with a request to help with the down payment for a home. Your suggestion was to have it set up as a loan.
That’s a very good suggestion for helping this codependent niece recognize the value her aunt has provided to her. However, this will affect the niece’s ability to get a loan for the remaining value of the home. The bank could require a signed statement from the aunt stating that the money provided is a gift, otherwise the bank will interpret the gift as a loan, which would affect their approval of her loan with them.
Faithful Reader
Dear Reader: You’re right! “Devoted Aunt” should explore all the financial and legal ramifications before this transaction.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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